I always greet this time of year with mixed feelings. On one hand, I am so excited for a fresh start and on the other I am filled with some trepidation about all the unknowns. In all my long, long years of life there hasn't ever really been a dull moment, and my journey has been full of twists and turns. Usually I am excited for new experiences and fresh starts, but since my car accident I am in love with all things predictable. Slowly but surely this has been changing, and it may or may not have something to do with my amazing fiance and his many surprises - including his surprise Hawaiian proposal! lol
My journey to heal from my accident has been long, and full of its own surprises. Friends I never thought would leave, have left, but it has made room for new friends. My love of fashion hasn't waned, but it has definitely been on an unexpected hiatus. I met and fell in love with the most amazing man, who has helped reopen my eyes and loves me unconditionally. Together we have moved into my first apartment, bought our first home, bought my first car, and had my first NYE kiss. The list is way longer than this but you would be here for some time reading it and I won't put you through that!
2017 already has the promise of being completely perfect as my fiance hands over his last name and we start a new adventure together, forever is going to be amazing! I know that I don't need a new year to try something new or make improvements but I do love the sense of freshness that comes around this time. Almost everyone is ready for a new things. I try to be fairly introspective and make changes when necessary but when it is the new year I love taking a step back and really seeing what I have been doing. I love resolutions, and I usually make at least one. It isn't the resolution itself that should take the spotlight, but the "why" of that resolution. This year I have a few (listed below in no particular order) and I will walk you through my "whys".
I want to be more willing to try.
I am so afraid of everything now: what people think, getting injured, someone else getting hurt, losing more friends. The list goes on and on and sometimes I am so completely paralyzed by that fear that it is so much easier to just stay home. There is an endless litany of everything I could think of that could go wrong when I do anything. It is exhausting. But I can't keep letting that control my life. I will not let the fear win. I won't be good at this right away, and I also don't expect to be completely cured in a year, but I will try my best. Which leads me to my next resolution...
I need to be kind to myself.
I have always, always been incredibly hard on myself. I expect perfection, and when I fall short (because as much as I wish I was, I am not in fact perfect) I berate myself. I do everything to the best of my ability, but we are our own worst enemy and I am the best at it. When I am having a tough day, I need to practice self care. If I don't believe in myself, how can I accept the belief of others? Shyler and my family always, always support me, but when I can't accept my accomplishments why should anyone else? I can't accept a compliment, I always have to brush it off or say something negative about myself. I have no idea where that started, but that is an awful habit.
I will procrastinate appropriately.
This sentiment can overlap with my first resolution. This is totally a lifetime resolution, but it is inherent to my personality so I don't want to change it but manage it. I do some of my best work at the last second, I impress myself with things I can beautifully pull off in a time crunch. I do not like that I am late to everything, or avoid certain things. I put off things I know I won't like or avoid it completely (I usually surprise myself once I actually try something). I am easily overwhelmed, which is a direct result of my PTSD and I can scare myself into not doing something or putting it off indefinitely. I am constantly stuck in fight or flight mode, and flight can be pretty active. I protect myself from disappointment which is why I put things off. I don't actually know what will happen, so I need to just go for things.
Be More Social.
This can go two ways: one - social as in social media, and two - social as in seeking out others.
I adore my job, but I am always on social media and it can get super old when it comes time to managing my own. What started out as a fun hobby at a job I didn't like, sometimes feels more like my current job - even if I completely adore it, I do need some time off. This blog has been an amazing outlet, but also a scary one. I made the promise to be honest with you all. I am not here to tell you how to live or dress or what to read. I am here to share my story, my journey. I am not ashamed of my trials or the labels that come with it, ie PTSD, mental illness, anxiety, etc. I don't hide the ugly side of things and try to make it pretty. I will tell you what I am going through and how I feel. If I can let one person know they're not alone, then I will be so ecstatic. It can be so isolating and scary thinking that you're the only one going through something. It is amazing how prevalent anxiety and depression are. I had no idea some of my friends were battling, and not many know that I am. It is a deeply personal thing to share and it is scary. But I want people to know so they know they're not alone, and so those who don't have these particular battles take a second to remember that we all have battles. I was always so focused on my life, that I was not good at paying attention to signs people were holding.
And being more social, as I said it is so much easier for me to stay home or only be around my little circle because I am safe there. I am sooo sensitive and things people say thoughtlessly can stick with me for a long time. I am not the jovial, entertaining person I once was either. I am more content being on the sidelines, but being around people can be tough. It isn't you all though, it is me. These new fears from my car accident are things I am working on.
So 2017, I am ready with (mostly) open arms to see what you bring!